The Unofficial President of the ‘I Have to Keep Saying Their Name’ Fan Club

Welcome, you compulsive destroyer of peace, and congratulations! Oh, would you just look at you, the person we’ve all been waiting for! You are now the unofficial president of the “I Have To Keep Saying Their Name” fan club. Let's dive into the presentation!

Some ways you’ve clearly earned your spot:

• You can't talk about yourself without bringing up someone else’s life or name.

• If talking about others burned calories, you’d be shredded.

• You know their life story better than Netflix knows its own writers.

• You can’t say three sentences without sending in a tip to TMZ.

• Your therapist doesn’t even know who you are, they only know about them.

• You say “no one cares about them” while you can’t stop talking about them.

• At this point, you could legally add their name to your resume.

• You criticize others' flaws to avoid confronting your own.

• Your hobbies include gossiping, deflecting, and pretending to be busy.

• You’ve made “name-dropping” your main personality trait.

• You call others fake because you’re jealous of their authenticity.

• You have an opinion on every single person’s life... except your own.

• You can’t hold a conversation without mentioning someone’s name that isn't your own.

• You hate when people are "too nice" because you're still stuck pretending to be nice to get approval.

• You think pointing out everyone else’s problems makes you look smart.

Although you may have gotten a PhD in knowing the business of everyone, your degree in self improvement is still in the mail. Seriously, what is your opinion on yourself? Asking for a friend. Any who! Welcome to the Club!

Membership Requirements

• An unquenchable thirst for gossip and zero interest in minding your own business.

• An initiative you'll take in scoring perfect 10s in bringing up people who aren’t even in the room where you would take no initiative otherwise.

• Bonus points are awarded for dropping names and opinions no one asked for, as if your commentary adds value anywhere but your own echo chamber.

The Mission Statement

To use someone's name as much as humanly possible, even if they didn’t ask for it (especially if they didn’t ask for it) Whether you’re throwing shade behind closed doors, or whispering their name into your pillow at night, your dedication needs to be unmatched. The goal? To make sure no one forgets that you’re the self appointed expert on the life of everyone but you.

The Motto

“Why focus on me when I can focus on thee?”

Core Values

Name dropping, taking zero accountability, and discussing, dissecting, and downright lying on people's names as if you’re getting a paycheck. You are an extra special member if you can turn harmless details into your own twisted conspiracy theories.

Club Perks

Unlimited access to premium grade drama that isn’t real, free passes to talk trash about people with actual accomplishments, and a lifetime supply of petty resentment. Say goodbye to the hassle of fixing your own issues!

Networking Opportunities

• Meet other members who also use everyone else’s life story as their main personality trait. Oh, the thrill of feeling relevant by proxy!

• Perfect for honing your skills in character assassination; together, you’ll weave the most unhinged narratives about people who probably wouldn’t even recognize you in a lineup.

• Bond over your shared love of subtle sabotage. You and your fellow members can take turns spreading half truths, exaggerations, and outright fabrications to ensure no one ever looks at the person you're tearing down the same way again.

• Learn the art of pretending to care while you carefully craft their downfall. It’s all about making someone else’s problems your entertainment, especially when you can step in with unsolicited “advice” that’s really just a thinly veiled attack on their character.

Professional Development

• You’ll get expert training in the advanced techniques of dodging accountability while simultaneously plotting someone's downfall. With our courses, you’ll learn to dodge every single uncomfortable question about yourself with a smooth pivot to someone else.

• Get expert training in the advanced technique of rumor spreading, why solve your problems when you can make someone else’s issues the main event? Learn to turn a whisper into a wildfire in 3 easy steps.

• Perfect the fine art of backhanded compliments, you’ll never genuinely compliment anyone again. Instead, you’ll learn to disguise insults as niceties, making sure your victim feels it right in the gut while you smile sweetly.

• Master passive aggressive shade. Throwing shade is just the beginning. You’ll be a seasoned pro at making people question their entire existence, all while pretending you did nothing wrong.

• Enroll in "Deflection 101." When someone finally calls you out, you’ll know exactly how to redirect the focus to someone else’s mess. The goal? Never address a single flaw about yourself. Just toss out another name and watch the heat turn elsewhere.

• You will learn how to turn a compliment into a full on character assassination. Nothing says “I’m threatened” like pretending to praise someone before tearing them apart. You’ll be an expert at making them second guess every good thing anyone has ever said about them.

• Perfect your ability to act like you care, but really, you’re just waiting for the moment to sink a knife in. Act empathetic while secretly sharpening your knives in the background.

Upcoming Events

Weekly sessions on “Mastering the Art of Deflection” and “Turning Gossip into Cardio" because let’s be real, your stamina is your mouth. Don’t miss our seasonal workshop on"How to Make Other People’s Achievements Feel Like Your Personal Tragedy.”

Membership Fees

Just your dignity and a complete lack of self awareness. Renews every time you mention someone’s name for no reason. Plus, an additional fee that involves absolutely no personal growth whatsoever. You just keep making everything about someone else, and we’ll make sure you never accidentally stumble upon self reflection.

And Remember:

You are now officially the kind of person who knows more about others than you do about yourself. Wear that title with pride and keep going! You’re really showing the world what it looks like when someone’s too afraid to confront their own reflection. Yay you! Keep throwing people under the bus to distract from the fact that you're the real train wreck in the room.