The Buttered Accusations of A Master Projectionist: I Know You’re Toast, But What Am I?

Every morning, as the sun filters through the blinds, casting striped shadows across the room, a framed quote hangs on the wall: “In a world where you can be anything, be a Projectionist.” This serves as the daily mantra for this antagonist, a self proclaimed hero, a master of projection, here to save everyone from the evil masterminds called ‘Logic and Reason,’ who are determined to disrupt the fantasy world of this maestro of misinformation. A seasoned veteran of turning a game of charades into an international incident, they take everything you absolutely did not say or do and create a story that's worthy of a Pulitzer Prize nomination, complete with character assassinations and enough red herrings to feed a village!

It’s all smoke and mirrors with this master of misdirection, who could make a sneeze sound like a national emergency, aw hell, they will even include their own eyewitness accounts and a dramatic reenactment that they themselves produce. They are happy to foot the bill for this one, right up until, that is, it’s time to settle the tab for things they’re actually responsible for.

You know the type, the person who accuses others of being two faced while juggling relationships like they’re auditioning for a circus act, all the while creating a blockbuster of your life that would have even reality TV producers scrambling for a contract.

Imagine one morning you simply wanted breakfast. There you are, minding your own business, trying to enjoy a perfectly toasted slice of bread, when suddenly you find yourself at the center of a scandal worthy of an Oscar. Your toaster is no longer just a kitchen appliance; it has become a witness to the chaos, the silent partner in your quest for a normal breakfast. You can’t help but laugh, thinking how a slice of toast has somehow transformed into the centerpiece of a soap opera, because in their world, even buttering a piece of bread is an opportunity to turn you into the unwitting star of a full blown conspiracy of their own making.

As you’re trying to figure out the intricacies of your new toaster, the self proclaimed, superior moral compass incarnate, saunters into the room, eager to hurl false accusations about you to anyone within earshot like confetti at a parade. They’ll claim you’re plotting nefarious schemes while you’re just trying to make sure your toast doesn’t come out looking like it survived a nuclear meltdown. Who knew that toasting bread could be a slippery slope to betrayal? Apparently, it’s the gateway drug to treachery for a master projectionist.

The crowd, mesmerized by the melodrama unfolding before them, nods along like bobbleheads at a car dealership, rallying behind a cause they don’t even believe in. In the world of this projectionist, the phrase "I know you are, but what am I?" serves as their battle cry, and hanging on every empty word, drenched in rhetoric so thick it could be mistaken for pancake batter, these once bystanders are now convinced they’re fighting for justice while their brains are still buffering. And just like that, we have a band of merry warriors uniting to wage war against the sinister villains known as "Critical Thinking" and "Sound Judgement." Oh, and God forbid you try to clear your name, because they will then accuse you of being a secret agent for the Avocado Toast Liberation Front.

At this point, you’ve lost your appetite to even have breakfast, realizing that the only thing getting toasted today is your sanity.

If hypocrisy were an Olympic event they’d take home the gold medal. Superhero? This is a ringmaster of a three ring circus of deception. Who needs reality when you can spin a yarn so thick that even the most seasoned tight rope walker would be impressed?

So, all of this to say, for a master projectionist, it’s all about sculpting a twisted fantasy where they don a cape of heroism, manipulating stories to cast themselves in the lead role while the truth gets lost in the chaos like a sidekick nobody remembers, and their devoted followers, who praise their Lord and Savior, Projectionist, as he/she sits atop a velvet throne, basking in the glow of the projector beam as their adoring fans sip the Kool Aid they've been serving since the dawn of their own manufactured drama.

After all, why face the truth when you can just rewrite it? And for a Projectionist, creating an alternate reality by crafting narratives that obscures accountability while skillfully evading the consequences of their actions is just another Tuesday.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the unsung hero that none of us needed nor asked for, Sir Misdirects-a-lot, who has successfully managed to convince everyone that your breakfast choices threaten national security because your avocado toast is a covert weapon in the war on breakfast.

You will be pleased to know that their dedicated team of self proclaimed detectives, armed with nothing but their smartphones and an insatiable appetite for vindictive defamation of character went on an epic hunt, and while they were convinced they were uncovering a conspiracy, they managed to create one.

In their quest to deliver your life as a punchline with their malicious fabrications to all who would hear, it becomes glaringly obvious that they are stuck in the biggest joke they’ve yet to understand

So, here's to you, projectionist, and a very big thank you for turning our lives into a never ending film festival of your own making where the only thing more tragic than your plots is the sheer absurdity of your cast of characters.