This is for your own personal discernment and resonation.
There is no attendance to be taken for you. If you can stand up and speak authentic truth, you will connect with authentic love.
I have gone through an extensive process of unwinding my own trauma, and I have made it my goal to write down everything I have come to terms with in the hopes that someone else may resonate. I am all too aware of the inaccessibility to what is helpful to us whose voice has been drowned. Like a math equation, I seek to break down the complexities of the concepts I have in my mind and make it simply understandable.
I went through an extensive grief process of my own self, and the rage I felt of my own potential which I could not realize because of the life I lost due to trauma. I do not have a pre-traumatized version of myself, it is my very foundation.
Just because I have this history, however, does not mean I am not intact. I like to think of my mind as a singularity, I have an entire internal understanding just waiting to explode.
I am going to break down my own understanding of what I believe to be a different out look on hell, and how we demonize what is actually the truth of ourselves we need to come to terms with. What is typically referred to as hell, I refer to as visceral truth.
Hell is not a place, but the destruction of the false foundation that your violence is ever justified, ever, no matter what name you call it, no matter how you have made it acceptable with whatever term, and no matter how many people agree with you. It is the unraveling of the lies we tell ourselves to avoid facing the truth of our harm, and the reckoning that comes when we can no longer escape the consequences of our own actions.
For the love of God, stop damning demons to hell, when the true demons are the truths we refuse to see within ourselves, and hell is where they are safe to exist in the home of authenticity and love. You call it darkness, but it is simply what you do not understand, so if you refuse to understand this darkness, you will not be able to see this light, no matter how much you look. Do not blame others for you not being able to see it, or demonizing it as an opposing devil altogether which only the evil person can see. You are not allowed the light of another if you do not honor the darkness. You are not righteous for choosing a side and making a threat out of the other. You are wrong for what you refuse to confront within yourself, that you are truly accountable for yourself, in every way.
You are responsible for saying "I am."
I am responsible for the truth I speak and the actions I take.
I claim ownership of my words, my choices, and their consequences.
I am accountable to myself and to the world for the truth I embody.
I choose to confront the truths within me, no matter how uncomfortable.
I am the one who determines my reality through the truth I accept and live.
I am responsible for the life I create, grounded in honesty and self-awareness.
I accept responsibility for the harm I've caused and the healing I must create.
Either the truth can be spoken as it truly is, or there is no point in wasting our own energy.
We are not just passive observers of violence; we are participants in its justification, its execution, and its perpetuation. Every time we dismiss or deny the truth of our shared humanity, we contribute to this "hell."
Many believe that because their hands remain clean and they don't directly commit violence, they are free from guilt, yet, by enabling or ignoring systems of harm, they contribute to social murder. Violence is violence, woven into the threads of our words and actions, and becoming a foundational internalized belief that is no longer in view because of the tower we built on top of that foundation. So long as we have a nice structure, with pretty windows and nice landscaping, the foundation remains unseen, but still the center of our own capability for destruction.
I believe that only by accepting and transforming our relationship with violence, internally and collectively as a whole, we break free from this pattern and cycle of justifying murder and violence.
The Responsibility of Truthful Speech
When we speak, we have two choices:
Speak the truth as it is, no matter how uncomfortable.
Remain silent, conserving energy rather than distorting reality.
Anything less than truthfulness is a wasteful exercise, spreading falsehoods or confusion rather than clarity.
What is referred to as hell, a place of fire, gnashing of teeth, and a place for the damned, I believe is truly the place we sit within ourselves to accept the reality of the violence we are capable of perpetrating and that has been perpetrated, and in many cases, how we have been deceived into carrying out the violence another person demands, because of their own bias, hatred, or because of the predator they cannot admit that they are because of the prey they feast on.
Silence is a waiting room for response, and we on the individual level are responsible to respond to visceral truth. Imagine silence not as emptiness but as a space where truths linger, waiting to be acknowledged.
In moments of stillness, we confront the visceral truths of our lives, the unspoken realities that demand a response. It is our individual responsibility to recognize and respond to these truths, especially when they reveal our own capacity for violence and harm.
Reimagining Hell: The Place of Visceral Truth
What some call hell, a place of fire and torment, I have come to understand and believe by my own thought process, it is actually an internal space where we come face to face with the harshest truths about ourselves, the violence we have experienced, all coming together in one place to reconcile. It is not a punishment imposed by an external force but a reckoning with the violence we are capable of and the harm we have justified or perpetuated.
If I allow the flames from this rage of potential of what my life could have been if it was not imposed upon violence, then I can reduce my trauma to ash. Yet from that ash, like the fertile soil of volcanoes, the richest growth can emerge, and by my own will I will emerge again. From the trees, flowers, and life that flourish, others too will find nourishment and healing. This is now my own will, a conscious decision can now be made instead of trauma sitting in the drivers seat of my own life.
This "hell" is red like blood, raw, unavoidable, and real. Blood symbolizes both life and the violence we so easily rationalize. It flows when we choose harm over understanding, retribution over reconciliation. We justify these acts through our biases, our perceptions of righteousness, and the collective reinforcement of these beliefs.
Individual and Collective Accountability
To escape this internal torment, we must do the hardest thing:
Acknowledge our biases and the ways they fuel violence.
Accept the truth of the harm we've caused or allowed.
Respond by choosing actions that no longer perpetuate the cycle of harm.
First and foremost, I have been persecuted, crucified, then cast into hell, and acknowledging the truth that compassion can be weaponized by others to avoid responsibility or manipulate situations. So let's begin on what I understand this to mean. I understand through my own perpetual hypothesis, meaning, only the questions I am willing to ask myself are the answers I should ever provide, or I should keep my mouth shut, I extend this offer outwards but who is to say it will be taken right?... ;)
How Have I Been Persecuted, Then Crucified?
How many lives have been cut short due to being persecuted then sentenced to execution by their own hands or employed hands of another, or by those who claim to be right?
What parts of myself have I “crucified” in response to the judgment of others, sacrificing my authenticity or peace to avoid conflict or rejection?
When have I been judged unfairly for my actions, beliefs, or identity?
Have I endured harm or betrayal from those I trusted or sought to help?
What moments in my life felt like punishment for simply being who I am or standing for what I believed in?
When have I been silenced, mocked, or abandoned for speaking my truth?
Have I felt burdened with the pain of others, only to be blamed or hurt in return?
How have I internalized the wounds of persecution, and in what ways do they still shape my thoughts and actions?
When Does Compassion Work Against Me?
How does my compassion and me offering understanding of the perspective of those who harm me protect justifying more harm, or having me to return to the scene?
How is accountability avoided by the idea that forgiveness is extended on the behalf of another and not for myself?
How have others used my compassion or empathy to manipulate or control me?
When have people taken advantage of my kindness, knowing I would not push back or set boundaries?
Have I been guilted into sacrificing my needs, wants, or safety by someone who twisted my compassion to their benefit?
How have others framed their own actions as “victims” to avoid responsibility, making me feel obligated to continue offering support?
In what ways have I allowed others to use my willingness to forgive as a way to avoid their own accountability?
Have I continued to offer understanding or forgiveness to someone who repeatedly harms me?
When have I mistaken enabling behavior for compassion, allowing harm to persist instead of setting boundaries?
Have I prioritized others' needs over my own well-being to the point of neglecting myself?
Do I offer kindness or support to avoid confrontation, even when it compromises my values or safety?
When have I excused someone’s actions in the name of empathy, while ignoring the impact it has on me or others?
Am I holding on to the idea of fixing or saving someone who does not take responsibility for their actions?
How can I balance compassion for others with self-respect and accountability?
What Should We Be Asking Ourselves Then While In "Hell?"
These questions I have come up with as I sat in my own personal hell in order to understand the violence, loss, and grief I have suffered. By answering these questions for myself, I stepped out of the waiting room of silence and silent suffering, and into the responsibility of truthful action.
When have I justified harm against myself or another because I believed it was necessary or deserved?
What truths about my actions or beliefs have I avoided because they are uncomfortable?
How can I speak and act in ways that reflect truth, even when it demands humility and change? Even if it means I put myself at risk again?
What are the repercussions I fear from speaking or living authentically after an entire image of how I lived my life before has been created?
By answering these questions for myself, I stepped out of the waiting room of silence and silent suffering, and into the responsibility of truthful action. Hold onto your hats because I have written out as many as I can, but believe me, I have thought many more lol.
Seeking Accountability and Healing:
What would it take for me to fully acknowledge and accept the consequences of my actions and the consequence of someone else's actions against me?
How can I repair, even in a small way, the harm I’ve done and the harm done to me?
In what ways will I take action to transform my pain and guilt into a force for preventing future harm? And I will take action, there is no apology without a change in my own behavior.
What can I give back? Can I transform this into wisdom and freely share it? No cost, I want to connect with others so they understand these complexities and concepts that I understand in a way that just makes sense intuitively. Through art, storytelling, media, what is it?
Calling the Truth Another Name: Avoiding Confrontation
Can I confront the truth directly without reshaping it to fit my own confirmations or narratives?
What sayings or words are used to obscure the truth of my own complicity or bias or that of another? Can I say the word murder without calling it a necessity or sacrifice, for example, can I use accurate terminology? Can I accept the truth viscerally or do I need to make it palatable for a specific taste bud?
When I hear others justify harm, do I challenge it, or do I remain silent to avoid conflict? Do I hide it behind a belief system, family pattern, do I regurgitate the words of another or do I critically think on my own?
Am I seeking comfort in agreement with others, or am I truly examining the facts as they are?
What narratives have I created or accepted to avoid confronting the full reality of a situation?
When have I reframed harm as "necessary" "deserved," or "inevitable" to ease my discomfort?
How have I labeled actions or events to minimize their gravity, calling violence “justice” or prejudice “protection”?
What truths about harm or violence have I denied, ignored, or rationalized in the name of peace, order, or righteousness?
The Blood Spilled for Me:
Whose sacrifices or suffering have made my life possible, and have I truly honored their cost?
Have I been complicit in systems or actions that demanded the spilling of blood for my benefit, directly or indirectly?
The Blood I Spilled:
What harm have I caused, knowingly or unknowingly, and how have I justified it?
What lives or potentials have I extinguished, whether through my actions, my inaction, or my own indifference?
Have I sought to understand the humanity of those I harmed or have I dismissed them as "other"?
The Life That Was Lost or What I Refer To As The Rage of Potential
What grief have I ignored or suppressed, and how has that shaped me?
What could I have been if certain events did not take place for me? How has my own fire been burnt out? What songs could I have sung if I could belt out a note and why can I no longer do so?
Where in my life have I clung to pride or fear instead of nurturing connection, and how has this led to the death of relationships, trust, or shared humanity?
Have I truly mourned the lives, opportunities, or innocence lost due to violence, including my own complicity in it?
Choosing Truth Over Justification:
When have I used righteousness or bias to justify harm, and what would it look like to confront that bias?
How often have I let silence or denial shield me from facing the full weight of the truth?
What does accountability look like if I stop excusing my actions or their outcomes?
Recognizing the Cycles of Violence:
How have I perpetuated cycles of violence by justifying harm in the name of justice, revenge, or survival?
How can I break these cycles, starting within myself?
Grieving Where There Should Have Been Life:
Where in my life should there have been life, joy, or connection, and instead, there was loss or destruction?
Have I allowed myself to truly feel the grief of these absences, or have I numbed myself to the pain?
In conclusion, we must confront the truth of our own violence and the many ways we justify it by calling it different names. The only visceral truth that remains is this: if you cannot accept and acknowledge this reality within yourself, you are not a safe person to connect with, not even with yourself.
Healing and transformation are only possible through radical honesty with ourselves. Until we confront the violence we perpetuate, whether through action, inaction, or justification, we remain trapped in cycles of harm, both individually and collectively.
Furthermore, true connection and empathy require accountability. Only by accepting our capacity for violence and seeking to change it can we build relationships based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. To deny or ignore this truth is to remain disconnected from both ourselves and others, unable to cultivate genuine healing or growth.
Ultimately, our individual responsibility lies in breaking the silence, acknowledging our biases, and stepping out of justification, allowing us to create a world where violence is no longer normalized, and compassion is no longer misused.
Only through this collective shift can we hope to break free from the patterns of harm that have defined so much of our history.
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