When they attack what they think is the predator, when they hang what they believe is the witch, and when they murder the one they believe is the attacker, they are letting the real predator roam free while everyone is focused on the wrong target.
In their misplaced fury, they fight shadows instead of confronting the truth. But alas, this is by design, it is a manipulation that keeps the focus on false threats while the real danger remains hidden, unchallenged, and free to continue its harm.
An emotional sleight of hand done by a magician I like to call the defamatory illusionist, and the crusade begins.
Imagine being hurt in the most profound and personal way by someone who not only laid the foundation of trust, but engaged you into a relationship where you believed the respect was mutual, only to find out not only is there an incentive to gain, but they then turn around and accuse you of the very thing they did.
It’s a betrayal that cuts deeper than the initial act that erases your truth and replaces it with a lie meant to destroy you further.
When they go as far as creating fake profiles, pretending to be you, fabricating attacks, spreading lies, enlisting others to join in group attacks, and slandering your name, it’s like being trapped in a nightmare where every move you make to defend yourself is distorted and then amplified as a weapon against you, held by the perpetrator.
Changing the story so convincingly by creating a perspective, your voice downs in a cruel and calculated move to silence you. At this point you are left questioning your reality while the perpetrator is setting the stage so that others don't question it at all, and in many cases, you are now disgraced entirely.
The perpetrator then strips away your dignity while they stand in the spotlight, pretending to be the hero. It’s isolating and overwhelming, leaving scars that are hard to heal because the betrayal isn’t just personal, it’s a total dismantling of who you are in the eyes of others, and it is by the predator's design.
DARVO isn’t about what we believe is justified in our minds, how we believe we are morally superior, or what we believe should be or should not be. It is not about dissecting the intimate details of the relationships that took place by our own opinions and standards.
It is about the devastating reality of how denying, attacking, and reversing victim and offender silences the truth and magnifies harm that has been inflicted and the sinister intention of the long term goal behind it, and how one will benefit thereafter.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender) involves the abuser manipulating the narrative to not only escape accountability but also to cast the survivor as the aggressor. If we are looking at cases of sexual coercion this type of tactic is especially damaging as it weaponizes societal biases and stigmas to discredit the truth and puts others at risk for further harm.
Perpetrating abuse, particularly in the realm of sexual coercion, followed by denying the wrongdoing and reversing the roles of victim and abuser, is a profoundly insidious tactic.
By portraying themselves as the wronged party, the perpetrator not only obscures their culpability but also undermines the survivor’s credibility and dignity, creating a cycle of trauma and silence resulting in power, control, and a deep seated impact of psychological manipulation.
When a perpetrator of abuse makes false accusations against their victim when they themselves committed the original act, the situation becomes a deliberate and harmful act of projection and deception.
When we don’t believe that those we deem close to us, our friends, family, or loved ones can be perpetrators of abuse, we blind ourselves to the reality that harm can come from the people we trust the most, that we just have to accept that someone we love or admire is capable of causing harm.
When we are hell bent on protecting someone we believe is a victim simply because they are close to us, we blind ourselves to the truth of the situation, even if unintentionally. Our emotional attachment or loyalty clouds our judgment and leads us to defend or excuse harmful behavior even when it's clear that the person we are protecting is actually the perpetrator.
By being unwavering in support we can find ourselves silencing a real victim of coercion while simultaneously reinforcing a power imbalance where the perpetrator goes on to profit exponentially, because they have already been reinforced that they can get away with it.
We perpetuate a cycle of harm when we prioritize loyalty over truth and in doing so we enable the abuse to thrive and destroy many others, and it goes unchecked.
When we don’t believe that both men and women can be victims of coercion, rape, assault, and abuse we not only invalidate their experiences but also perpetuate harmful stereotypes that embolden perpetrators and deny the reality that coercion and abuse can happen to anyone regardless of gender.
When we don’t believe that both men and women can be perpetrators of abuse we reinforce harmful myths that deny the complexity of abuse dynamics leaving many victims trapped in silence and fear while allowing perpetrators to escape accountability simply because of their gender.
When we add financial incentives or threats of social ostracism to the mix the dynamics of abuse become even more insidious. Perpetrators use these tools to manipulate, control, and silence their victims by creating a coercive environment that risks our very lives.
When there are visceral truths we simply ignore because we don’t like the way they look or sound we enable violence through our own willful ignorance. Turning a blind eye to uncomfortable realities especially when they challenge our beliefs or force us to confront harsh truths is us giving our permission for the abuse to persist unchecked.
Ultimately, this tactic is highly effective, because not only does it shift the focus away from their own wrongdoing but it also weaponizes societal systems and prejudices to inflict further harm on the victim.
One of the ways an abuser will deny their abuse is by fabricating a false attack such as creating fake profiles or impersonating the victim to stage hostile or incriminating behavior, they deepen the victim's trauma, widen the gap of their silence, and manipulate public or institutional perceptions.
These actions aim to undermine the victim's credibility and reinforce the perpetrator's fabricated narrative often leaving the victim to defend against baseless allegations while the true abuse goes unaddressed. Such tactics exploit the trust and good faith inherent in social and legal systems, turning mechanisms designed to protect into tools of oppression.
There are many devastating effects of this tactic being that the victim may face emotional, social, and even legal repercussions while the perpetrator avoids accountability and potentially continues their abusive behavior unchecked.
At the end of the day it’s easy to fall into patterns of denial when we really need to face the uncomfortable truths we are too afraid to face. We often protect the ones we love, ignoring the harm they cause, or silence victims because it’s easier than confronting the reality that violence exists within our own circles, and not only does violence exist, but some really do enjoy the perpetration by their own will.
When we deny, even subtly, we perpetuate cycles of abuse and sometimes unknowingly by turning a blind eye to the manipulation, coercion, and harm that’s happening right in front of us. The real challenge is to push past the discomfort in order to see the truth even when it’s hard to hear and to take responsibility both for our actions and our inactions.
It’s not about being perfect, it’s about having the humility to admit our wrongdoings, and to be brave enough to stand for what’s right no matter how difficult it may seem, even if that means standing alone.
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